I haven’t written for a bit because I was mourning my Addie, my beautiful flatcoated lab rescue, and I was too depressed, like too depressed to work or want to be with anybody, which I totally understand cause that’s not new. But I was so depressed that of this led to thoughts of needing to get a divorce or go on disability and where was I going to live? And then what kind of surprised me was that I had a ton of fantasies about wanting to stab myself or cut. I had total control, but that seemed so weird, like I hadn’t really had thoughts like that in many years. And I really gave it quite a bit of thought. And that’s why Depression is alway the gift that keeps on giving! It always comes up with new craziness to surprise you even when you think your brain has already been as weird as it could possibly be, Surprise! Gotcha again! Haha!
So last week I had my 45th High School Reunion. I had decided to go. For one, I’m inspired by Shonda Rhimes and her “Year of Saying Yes” even though I never read the book. And two, I made a friends at the last reunion that became close and one was a lovely friendhip that lasted 24 beautiful years before it got too painful and I had to end it. I went to my 20th Reunion because I was divorcing and wanted to make some new friends. I decided to go to this one, because with that best friendship ending, I thought , who knows? I could use some new friends. Another of my very close friends died a few years ago.
So again the gift that keeps on giving, I had mini panic attacks all week long in anticipation. I hadn’t had panic attacks since I dated in my late 20s where I would shiver through the whole date and pretend I was cold. Yep- no second dates, you’re right. So on the way to the Cubs game with 3 other people I’m joyfully thinking “please don’t throw up in front of everyone” and “please don’t pass out in front of everyone ” and “please don’t drink so much in front of everyone that you make a drunken idiot out of yourself ” because I couldn’t get any of the 20th reunion friends to go with. And yay, i went and had fun and reconnected with a few wonderful people I had forgotten about but honestly met new people I never knew in High School at all, because the secret of Reunions is that everyone feels awkward and nervous and will be incredibly nice to everyone they would have never talked to in High School so I highly recommend getting yourself to those if you need to make more friends.
And then after that I had to see a bunch of family and was still fighting panic attacks and couldn’t wait to leave, and then today I wake up and I’m normal again. I feel proud for doing so many things that terrified me and I struggled through them. I feel happy about new connections I’ve made. I am grateful I got to spend real quality time with my High School crush and realize he is an amazing person and I’m so glad for what I’ve learned. I feel good again and I feel like I’ve come home again where I’m grateful for yoga, and a day off work but relieved I can actually work tomorrow without pretending I know what I’m doing like I have for the last two weeks, and I’m so grateful for RF, and SC, and IK and BK. And so grateful to just be back. And I appreciate and love all your comments and support and knowing you are here in this with me. So thank you! Thank you for being here with me.