Family dysfunction; our role and our choices

truelovebreakingthecycleoffailedrelationships

In every family, we all play certain roles.  Maybe you think of yourself as the “black sheep” or the “unsuccessful one” or the “troubled one”.  It may be that you’ve accepted this role that has been assigned to you, whether you earned it or not.  But perhaps you have decided it’s time to shed that role.

Lets say that in my family, I have been all those roles, and I’ve already shared here earlier how the roles in my family have changed drastically in the last year.  The “favorite son” is no longer “favorite” but estranged.  Lucky me, I was promoted now and I benefitted in many ways by the change in that dynamic, but of course, I have also been hurt and negatively affected by it as well.  With my parents out of town, I can put the whole situation out of my mind pretty easily.  I can spend…

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Family dysfunction; our role and our choices

2 thoughts on “Family dysfunction; our role and our choices

  1. Hi Rhonda, I’m going to try to stay on track here. It’s hard for me so I ask u and all who may read this comment to pls be patient w/me. Ty. This post has touched upon many feelings that seem to complicate matters in our lives that for a time allow us to feel “everything is ok for the present time” and for me I tend to walk on eggshells around certain ones in my family in the hope it remains so. Deep inside it really isn’t the case tho. I also am one that feels the importance of communication of my feelings are very necessary but I find if all is “quiet,.all is going ok, then I tend to say nothing tho there is still so much left to be said. I’m also considered the “Black Sheep” of my immediate family. (Don’t want to steer off course here but this is also important for I believe this “label” may cause many to question if what ever is said will even be taken or heard as important.) An issue I deal with daily, very exhausting to say the least. I’ve confronted my Mom, Brother, Daughter and Son at various times in the slim hope they would actually hear me and have been met with feelings cast aside or even worse turned back upon me w/every fault or mistake I’ve made bringing a strong feeling of hurt, a question with in myself of how did this get turned against me?? It seems those who have no desire to communicate or even an attempt to hear (actually listen to what we r attempting to say in the hope of positive change between the ones we love and ourselves always brings out a defensive outcome from those we have chose to speak to). R feelings seem to be pushed aside once again because we are forced to deal with a barage of insults we never thought would occur pulling us off track from the very important issue we wanted to get across in the 1st place, (Our feelings). So what to do is the question since we fear this ialways will be the outcome? I’ve found if I say nothing and wear that mask so all can think all is ok all the while watching the charade in front of me knowing they feel things really are not ok but acting as if “no worries here” two things usually happen inside me. 1st) I feel the dissension (spelling?) within myself/saddness/and a deep seated longing for everyone and everything to be alright, wishing to gain happiness between all of us, 2nd I feel anger @ those who have cast aside all I’ve said in the past who have taken my most rawest inner feelings B4 and have either spoken about me after I’ve left the room, said nothing @ all or shut up as I return. So many hurtful things our loved ones do towards us. So I’ve learned 1 very important thing. I sit and watch 1st surveying the moods of the ones I’ve longed to be so close to but they’ve chose the distance. Anyone whom is capable of looking past themselves can immediately see the sad charade. The fascade they have chose. How sad this is to me. Does anyone else feel this too?? I ask myself first: Can I express all I must and be met w/an attentive ear by all parties involved? In my case it’s more than 1. For this question my answer to myself is usually a “No”. Inside tho I’m holding back waiting for the perfect timing to speak my mind. The right time is of importance I’ve realised. Sometimes it never comes, that perfect time. That’s when I say to myself- What I must say is of extreme importance to me and as my Mom,Brothers,Daughter and Son it should be just as important to all of u to want to hear me because I’m tired of wearing my mask and all of u should be as well. (Just my thoughts). So u know what I’ve done? I’ve waited for the huge meal to be eaten, and interject with an announcement, like ” Its been so great for all of us to be together at this moment with a sincere smile upon my face and ask if everyone has enjoyed each others’ company, then I move on to say as Coffee/Desserts are being served- ” I have a very important issue I feel for myself and to all of u I love deeply that must be brought out, it may not be easy to hear and certainly isn’t easy for me to always feel I’m the one having to readdress an issue that should’ve been resolved already, I want all of u to know I’m not placing blame upon anyone and it’s my hope everyone will see along with hear the concern I have. Sometimes. I will announce I am going to go around the table to each/ other times I just start. What I’m about to say is filled with my love for all of you, my deep love, a love that allows me to do anything for anyone of you so please hear me for I cannot do this again. Pls be open and allow me.to finish for in the end it’s my hope that forgiveness, unconditional love can be found and felt. The love I longed.for as.a child or love from a sibling, or from my parents, the love that must be reinforced to your adult children, as they always seen to act as though they never had a clue or interest. Then it’s Showtime. I don’t allow anyone to interrupt or leave , I have asked them to please sit back down and hear me for if they love me.as they say they do they should be willing to hear me and be concerned about my concerns. It doesn’t always work. I believe it plants a tiny seed tho that over time will grow. I may not be satisfied with the outcome, I may be deeply hurt again which has happened. I’ve had to stoop to chastising those who feel superior along with walking that thin tightrope. Sometimes it gets their attention. I keep trying until I realise and can clearly see no one cares. At that point I remain silent, wear my mask and survey those I thought I could reach but never will. Why? They made that choice to cause the issues between them /I. I’ve accepted it will not change but do not accept being treated differently. Hurtful ? Yes. I accept it and move on, get along only to keep the peace. Once they leave I can breathe a Sigh of release or scream, or go somewhere outdoors to just cry and allow myself to connect with Mother Earth, a healing for me. I let them go. Wish u good luck, less negativity, more positivity, the strength that can be gained thru 1 w/Mother Nature and all her bounty of beautiful blessings. She becomes my solice and renews me. Carpet Diem is what I gain from her. BB. Sincerely, Anne.

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    1. So much pain Anne, thanks for sharing your very thoughtful post. It is often the case that the place we most seek love and acceptance is not a place we can find it. I’ve never known anyone who knows this, but still can’t help but try. I guess I would try to approach it like this: I might instead of the sharing you do wanting something in return, accept that their listening to your thoughts and feelings is their gift, their greeting you is their gift to you, the inviting and including you is their gift. It’s not much but for whatever reason, maybe that’s the best they can do. I do know that believing they are doing the best they can, can feel less hurtful. If you have an idea of what you wish to hear from them, ask them for the words you would love to hear. Sometimes they just have no idea what words will help you, and you would be helping them help you. The ones that care will at least try to say the words you wish to hear.

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