Ok, here is it. Not me being helpful or analytical or professional. Just me, asking for support and help.
Just me, a person, oppressed and exhausted by my family dysfunction. I am in the middle, but I can’t be Switzerland. When it comes to family, I can’t stay neutral. Even though I don’t take sides I am impacted by the fighting in my family. My parents and my brother are no longer speaking. Every family holiday is impacted and nothing is the same. It is probably amazing, if you know us, how well all of us kids even turned out considering the upbringing we had, in that it was neither loving nor supportive in the way kids need. In spite of that, we almost made it through to the completion of our parent’s lifespan without this being so obvious. Despite all the issues in the past, all us kids made our peace with it and continued to see our parents very regularly, like weekly, which is pretty unusual these days.
But the scale tipped drastically and everyone is affected. I am angry with my parents for bringing in a lawyer and starting legal action with my brother. I am angry, I can’t fix it, I can’t stop it, and I can’t seem to stop being upset by it. I go through periods where I’m in a better place about letting it go. I go through periods where I’m ok with only partial amounts of family together for major holidays, and not everyone being invited. Then, like now, I start to anticipate the holiday coming up and how it will be with only part of the family there. I listen to my parents speak ill of my brother and I strongly disagree, but just like when I was growing up, they don’t listen. I shouldn’t be surprised because they never did listen to me.
So I will try to calm down again and breathe. I will try to love each of them to the best of my ability and forgive them for their horrible behavior to the best of my ability. I will try to focus on the present and what I have to be grateful about today….but sometimes, I just can’t let it go, and I wish I could.